FIRE!

You know, there are women who are great to have around when it comes to planning an event. They are the ones who motivate, encourage and come alongside others. They are a delight and a blessing. But then there are others, the ones who "take over".

Sometimes they appear to be rather humble, just wanting to help in any way they can, sitting themselves in the very back right in front of everybody! But ask them to bring something other than their prize meatloaf to a potluck and you will get a withering gaze, pursed lips and a choked "Fine" in response.

Sometimes they are "boardroom" obvious. Everybody snaps to attention the moment she sets her designer shoes in the meeting room (did I mention she is the epitome of the song, "I Am Woman"?). These "leaders" can bring an instant hush to the room with one simple over-the-glasses glare. Their ideas are always great, always laid out in advance and volunteering for the project is never voluntary. She has everyone's role laid out and a personal check-list for everyone to meet their (her) goals. She runs a tight ship and will not tolerate any excuses, absences or failures. The rest of the women meekly follow, seldom questioning anything she says. If someone does challenge this "leader", she comes across as catty. Those meek followers, however, will rake the bossy woman over the coals as soon as she is out of earshot!

Bossy women make my belly burn! My guts wrench and my teeth clench as I try to paste on a semi-genuine smile and nod. It's like fire. I am ...

F - frustrated as I watch others sit on the sidelines, not feeling part of the team.
I - irritated enough to call my friends to complain.
R - resentful because I feel like I'm sitting on the bench along with everyone else!
E - exasperated because there is no easy way to "fire" her!

I used to think the term "bossy woman" was an oxymoron. And then I met one - okay, several. Okay, okay! It's ME! But somebody has to be in charge, right? Right!

It's just not supposed to be me. I am not called to be a leader. I am a follower. Of Jesus. And wherever He leads, I will follow.

Return To Rut-Walking!

I just returned home from spending two weeks caring for my parents in California. For the most part, I enjoyed my time away. The pressure of life and the routine, day-to-day rut I walk in had made me weary and I was desperate for a change of pace. My dad's surgery provided the perfect opportunity. I told myself it would be a good break for me. I was longing for the days when life seemed simpler and less was required of me. I was going back home - to a familiar place, surrounded by familiar people. For the first few days, I sat down and played in the mud of "if only's" and "remember when's". I even found a radio station that played 70's top 40 tunes (they call them oldies!). I was FREE and I wanted to "run amok" again!!! I thought a lot about the "good old days", reminiscing with friends about how easy life was back then. I didn't feel like the grown-up ME. I mean, I was ME but without the cares and responsibilities of my normal routine -- housework, bills, budgets, my husband, kids and grandkids. But that thinking only led me to nit-picking my present life to pieces, deeply regretting that things hadn't stayed the same, that I had "grown up". I didn't even recognize my own discontent.

Don't get me wrong. I missed my family something fierce but, honestly, it was nice to be away. I felt just like I did when I was in high school with a few MINOR exceptions:

1. I am not any younger -- 50 is still around the corner and I definitely do not have the energy of a teenager.

2. I can't stay up all night without paying dearly for it.

3. The needs of my family at home did not vanish while I was away. There were still bills to be paid, a house to be cleaned (just NOT my house!) and people to care for. My life was still going on in Nevada.

Interestingly, my devotions for several days in a row took me to Scripture that talked about not looking back but pressing forward; plowing a field without gazing behind (rows never turn out straight if you do that!); being content where I am and with what I have; Lot's wife -- enough said.

It was a good time of reflection for me. I began to see the time away as an opportunity to be refreshed, not in the things of my past, but refreshed in my relationship with Jesus and the family waiting for me at home. Being out of the rut of my everyday life gave me some much-needed perspective.

You see, God doesn't intend for us to live in the past. We are to continue to run the race, not looking back with longing at the things we have left behind. Not only can we NOT go back, we shouldn't. It isn't healthy for our relationship with God or our relationships with others. It only sows discontent and dissatisfaction.

My teenage years were spent in rebellion and sin. Those places so familiar were dens of iniquity for me. That girl from the 70's is no longer who I am. When I think about it clearly, not in the fog of my imaginative memory, I don't really want to go back.

I love my husband, my kids and grandbabies. I love where we live, the ministry we do. And I have fallen in love with rut-walking again. Yes, things here are routine and not much changes from day to day. But this is where God is growing me. This is where He is ministering to me. This is where He has decided is best for me and I'm okay with that! For now.