Since my last posting, it has felt nearly impossible to sit down and actually write anything -- and that includes letters, writing projects, even cards. I frequently wonder, Will I ever get it back? Now that my health will allow me a limited time in front of the computer, I am trying. This forced limitation has me thinking.
As a Christian woman, there are things that are no longer part of my life and sometimes I wonder, Will I ever get them back? Spiritually, I know those things weren't God's best for me. Intellectually, emotionally, mentally, however, I resurrect those things from the dead (at least, I thought they were dead!). I fondle the memories and caress the "good ol' days" and wonder why they can't fit into my life now. Why is it these things seem so much more benign through the filter of years? Why is it I would even want to go back to what amounts to empty, unfulfilling nothingness. The phrase "only what's done for Christ will last" frequently rings in my ears. I just keep wanting to add an addendum -- oh, nothing risky or dangerous; nothing illegal; nothing that would harm anyone else.
Because of multiple sclerosis, there are some things I will never get back. Some days I'm okay with that. Some days I'm not. I have a new set of limitations now and not by choice. The decision is out of my hands. I chafe against the boundaries this disease has inflicted on me. Yes, I said inflicted. But that's when I'm talking about the disease. Sadly, though, I've discovered we can sometimes look at our relationship with Jesus much like I do this disease.
When I'm talking about Jesus and my walk with Him, I know there are some things I will never get back. There are things I should never want to have back. Yet I find myself struggling with the boundaries He has laid out for me. There are things that He wants out of my life and yet He never inflicts His will on me. He always gives me the option to choose.
I can have the "old things" back anytime I want but it will cost me something in my relationship with Jesus. He always loves me, is always there for me, always forgives me. No, He never changes. But I do. While I occasionally look at the things left behind, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing back there is worth what it will cost me in my relationship with Jesus. If I look too closely or a little too fondly, it's my heart that grows cold. If I gaze longingly over my shoulder, regretful that I have had to leave something I used to hold precious laying by the side of the road, like Lot's wife, I lose sight of what is really important.
No matter what lays behind or what lies ahead, the most important thing in my life is holding tightly to my Savior's hand, letting Him lead, following joyfully and trusting Him with EVERYTHING. Will I ever get it, whatever IT is, back? Oh, sweet Jesus, I hope and pray that I never WANT it back!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Will I Ever Get It Back?
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2 comments:
Rhonda I think I understand where your coming from. I to wonder if I will ever get somethings back. Oh not the things in my past that were once full of sparkles and fun that pull at me some times, and I must admit I look longingly at they from time to time. But Jesus gives me the strength and wisdom to say the past is over, thank God I don't need that anymore.But that is not what I am talking about. I wonder will I ever have the strength to go to church every Sunday. Will I ever have a voice that can teach what God is telling me, or set and be able to concentrate long enough to write again. Then the Holy Spirit says to me, "I got you through harder times than this. I gave you the strength to put your past desires aside and not want them back. Put these longings aside and I will show you what is next." I know that I have no strength in this body sometimes, maybe it will come back maybe not. But you my sister and I both know that if we never get those things back we have and always will have the most important of all things Jesus, and this life is His to use, to give and or to take away. I don't want anything back I want what comes next.
Rhonda that was an awesome post thank for encouraging words I was blessed to see you have a blog !!!
The last paragraph in your post says it all amen and amen!!
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