Slowing Down is Hard Work!

Over the last year, I have been attempting to slow down. Not by choice but because of multiple sclerosis. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have trouble accepting my limitations, limitations not imposed by choice -- the worst kind!

Slowing down means saying no to some things, whether I want to or not. Slowing down means letting go of expectations. Slowing down means pacing myself. I hate it. Oh, to be sure, there have been some benefits but the hardest part of it has been not trying to meet the expectations of others without feeling guilty. There are just some things people expect you to be able to do and when you can't, the ability to understand can be frustrating -- both for those with the expectations and for me in wanting to fulfill those expectations. Coming to terms with the inability to do things that used to come easily has brought borderline bitterness.

As desperately as I would love to rough-house with my grandkids, I can't any longer. As desperately as I want to be able to hold down a full-time job, I can't. As desperately as I want to help meet the needs of others, I can't. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I've always been the one to try to alleviate someone else's burden and I can't.

It has been hard to slow down and enjoy doing any craft simply for the love of the craft. I have usually had a purpose and a deadline so, once I get on a roll, it's a rush to get things done.

But I'm learning. It is hard work because it goes against what I think I should be able to do. Having these boundaries is ultimately a good thing but I still fight it. Whether it is doubt on the part of someone else who may not understand my new "pace" or my own frustration because my body will not cooperate, I struggled.

"But God" who is rich in mercy brought me to a place of intense delight one day when He had me slowed almost to a complete stop. I was sitting on our back patio because I had no energy to do anything else. I closed my eyes and stilled my mind. A breeze was blowing through the plants and trees surrounding our yard when I realized that, because I had to be still, I could feel the wind blow across my face and arms. I could hear it move as it rustled through the leaves. That was the day I rode the wind with God.

I had no control of where the wind blew. My only option was to settle in and enjoy the sensation of being carried wherever the wind would go. The wind may blow against a building or barrier but that doesn't stop it from moving on. It floats around whatever attempts to stop it and, if God directs the wind, can He not also direct me exactly where He wants me to go? How fast He wants me to get there? Choose the path I am on?

That day I decided it would be useless to fight against the currents He has deemed necessary in my life. I want to ride the wind without having to be in control. I want to do whatever He has given me the energy to do ... and not try to make it go where I want it to.

Slowing down for me has been learning to "go with the flow" that God directs. It is yielding. And that, dear one, is the hard work of slowing down. Will I give up the reins and trust His control? Will I relax and enjoy the ride instead of fighting against a wind I cannot control? With each and every day that passes, God gives me more and more opportunities to relinquish myself to Him -- my energy, my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my plans. All of it. On this day, more than ever, I want Jesus to be my EVERYTHING! He has brought me to a place where I can choose to submit to all He has for me or keep fighting for my own way. It is hard work but it is not impossible. He has used this disease to bring to this place and I am grateful. Will I leave it in His hands? I want to. I also know there will be days I want to take back control and will overextend myself. My prayer is that I will not stay in that place for very long, that I will sit back and enjoy the ride, trusting Him to take me wherever He wants, however fast or slow He desires, that I will relinquish moment by moment control. Yeah, it's hard work but, as I am continually discovering, it is worth every ounce of effort!

May our Lord Jesus Christ slow you down, especially during this busy season, to enjoy Him and all His benefits!