It Might Be April But It Is Still A New Year

I've been remiss in posting -- Got a little sidetracked with health issues and, well, frankly, just didn't have the heart to think much!

 But I'm back and have a confession to make. I am hooked on Pinterest. I love just browsing through all of the things to see at my fingertips. And I so much want to start putting some of my own stuff on there -- just gotta figure out how!

As I said, it's a New Year and I have awakened from what seemed to be a deep sleep. I fell off the wagon of healthy eating around the holidays and really struggled to get back to what I knew was good for me.

It makes absolutely no sense and we suffer consequences we KNOW will come. Back to juicing now at least two times a day and slowly returning to healthy.

That raises a question -- Why do we do that? It's not just about eating, it pertains to everything: Exercise, housework, Bible reading/study, prayer. Ouch! Those last two seem to fall back into old habits so easily! I'd like to think the laxity snuck up on me and took me by surprise but the only real surprise was how I noticed that little monster was creeping closer and did nothing about it. I knew it but didn't think it was harmful. I found myself so focused on the distraction that kept my attention away from the danger andI didn't notice that complacency until it was nipping at my heels. Okay, maybe I did but I didn't realize the damage that little bit of nipping could do.

Do you find yourself in a place of laziness with God? Are you excited about getting into His word and meeting with Him in prayer? Much like my diet, I thought little tastes of food that weren't necessarily sinful (I didn't gorge myself, I didn't go overboard with chocolate) couldn't possibly hurt me and, similarly, with God I didn't really think there was any harm in just leaving my Bible within reach but not actually picking it up. After all, at least it was close by.

WRONG! I couldn't really just ease myself back into juicing and watching what I eat - I had to dive in completely.

 When you discover you have begun to compromise your time with Jesus, run right back to Him. Don't walk. Don't dawdle. RUN! He is right there waiting and once you are back at His feet, you will get a sense of just how much you've missed Him. so jump right in and "do the first things" first!!! You'll be glad you did.

Because of Jesus,

Ronnie

It's Been a Long Year!

It's been just over a year since I've posted anything and it's about time. After two years of feeling sick (multiple sclerosis) and wondering if I was just in a constant state of flare, I changed my diet. Completely. If you haven't seen the documentary, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead", it is worth the time. For those with autoimmune disorders, it may just be the most important video I've watched.

Anyway, the year started status quo, just sick and tired all the time with a pretty severe flare in February. Just life. One super bright spot was the birth of a new grandson in May (WOO! HOO!)

I am thankful this Christmas for health -- I still have MS (BOO!)but I also feel nearly normal.

Did you ever think someone would be glad to clean floors? Vacuum? Cook? Do dishes? Yup, I am. I never thought I would be so excited to make a four-hour drive across the desert to California. But I did it and, oh my, was I excited!

Which makes me wonder ... how many things do I forget to be thankful for? How many delights do I take for granted? How often do I simply go on my merry way, ungrateful? Unfortunately, it happens a lot.

I want to be grateful. I want to be thankful. But that means taking stock of all that is going on around me and changing my perspective. That's been easier to do since I've been sick. It really is the little things, like driving, cleaning, playing with my grandchildren, easing my husband's load just a bit. And it has made me realize just how ungrateful I've been.

I can still read God's word. I can still go to church. I can still pray. I can still do so many things! And it's all because of Jesus, His grace, His comfort, His sacrifice.

Oh Lord, keep me grateful this season and year-round.

And you, my friends, keep your eyes open to the little joys God has placed directly in your path. It may not look like fireworks, but even the light of a firefly can fill your heart with awe.

Slowing Down is Hard Work!

Over the last year, I have been attempting to slow down. Not by choice but because of multiple sclerosis. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have trouble accepting my limitations, limitations not imposed by choice -- the worst kind!

Slowing down means saying no to some things, whether I want to or not. Slowing down means letting go of expectations. Slowing down means pacing myself. I hate it. Oh, to be sure, there have been some benefits but the hardest part of it has been not trying to meet the expectations of others without feeling guilty. There are just some things people expect you to be able to do and when you can't, the ability to understand can be frustrating -- both for those with the expectations and for me in wanting to fulfill those expectations. Coming to terms with the inability to do things that used to come easily has brought borderline bitterness.

As desperately as I would love to rough-house with my grandkids, I can't any longer. As desperately as I want to be able to hold down a full-time job, I can't. As desperately as I want to help meet the needs of others, I can't. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I've always been the one to try to alleviate someone else's burden and I can't.

It has been hard to slow down and enjoy doing any craft simply for the love of the craft. I have usually had a purpose and a deadline so, once I get on a roll, it's a rush to get things done.

But I'm learning. It is hard work because it goes against what I think I should be able to do. Having these boundaries is ultimately a good thing but I still fight it. Whether it is doubt on the part of someone else who may not understand my new "pace" or my own frustration because my body will not cooperate, I struggled.

"But God" who is rich in mercy brought me to a place of intense delight one day when He had me slowed almost to a complete stop. I was sitting on our back patio because I had no energy to do anything else. I closed my eyes and stilled my mind. A breeze was blowing through the plants and trees surrounding our yard when I realized that, because I had to be still, I could feel the wind blow across my face and arms. I could hear it move as it rustled through the leaves. That was the day I rode the wind with God.

I had no control of where the wind blew. My only option was to settle in and enjoy the sensation of being carried wherever the wind would go. The wind may blow against a building or barrier but that doesn't stop it from moving on. It floats around whatever attempts to stop it and, if God directs the wind, can He not also direct me exactly where He wants me to go? How fast He wants me to get there? Choose the path I am on?

That day I decided it would be useless to fight against the currents He has deemed necessary in my life. I want to ride the wind without having to be in control. I want to do whatever He has given me the energy to do ... and not try to make it go where I want it to.

Slowing down for me has been learning to "go with the flow" that God directs. It is yielding. And that, dear one, is the hard work of slowing down. Will I give up the reins and trust His control? Will I relax and enjoy the ride instead of fighting against a wind I cannot control? With each and every day that passes, God gives me more and more opportunities to relinquish myself to Him -- my energy, my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my plans. All of it. On this day, more than ever, I want Jesus to be my EVERYTHING! He has brought me to a place where I can choose to submit to all He has for me or keep fighting for my own way. It is hard work but it is not impossible. He has used this disease to bring to this place and I am grateful. Will I leave it in His hands? I want to. I also know there will be days I want to take back control and will overextend myself. My prayer is that I will not stay in that place for very long, that I will sit back and enjoy the ride, trusting Him to take me wherever He wants, however fast or slow He desires, that I will relinquish moment by moment control. Yeah, it's hard work but, as I am continually discovering, it is worth every ounce of effort!

May our Lord Jesus Christ slow you down, especially during this busy season, to enjoy Him and all His benefits!

It's God's Fault!

Have you ever noticed that God always seems to get the blame when bad things happen but seldom gets credits when things go well? We just studied the raising of Lazarus and that wonderful tiny verse, "Jesus wept." I was so struck by His groanings, His tears, that I had to take some time to really meditate on that passage in John 11. And I discovered ME. I often say, along with Martha, "If only You had been here, this wouldn't have happened." I ask Him, Why? I chastise Him (yikes!), You could have stopped this!

No wonder Jesus wept. Looking out at His creation, He saw the ravages of sin and the devastation of a fallen world. He saw again the beauty that had been marred, most likely beyond recognition, when death entered the world. He heard the accusation and yet, instead of rising up in righteous indignation and throwing the blame back where it rightly belonged, He wept.

Isn't that just like God? To have such compassion welling up in His heart that it breaks at the sight of our sorrow, our doubt, our pain, our sin -- it is too wonderful to comprehend. Instead of giving His children what they deserve, He brings comfort. Instead of giving us a quick fix or simply ignoring our sad state of affairs, He gathers us in His arms and whispers to us of His love, soothing us, showing us His heart.

We are so short-sighted we seldom see beyond ourselves. Is He able? Of course He is. Is it His fault? Absolutely not. Will He always fix it? No. Sometimes His comfort needs to be enough. But in order for it to be enough, we should climb up in His lap and snuggle into His embrace. I want to stop blaming Him for things that are not His fault. I want to be content that the Creator of the universe loves me. I want to trust Him with my whole heart and remember that this fallen world, this sinful life, is NOT what He intended for me. And that it's NOT His fault. It's ours.

Will I Ever Get It Back?

Since my last posting, it has felt nearly impossible to sit down and actually write anything -- and that includes letters, writing projects, even cards. I frequently wonder, Will I ever get it back? Now that my health will allow me a limited time in front of the computer, I am trying. This forced limitation has me thinking.

As a Christian woman, there are things that are no longer part of my life and sometimes I wonder, Will I ever get them back? Spiritually, I know those things weren't God's best for me. Intellectually, emotionally, mentally, however, I resurrect those things from the dead (at least, I thought they were dead!). I fondle the memories and caress the "good ol' days" and wonder why they can't fit into my life now. Why is it these things seem so much more benign through the filter of years? Why is it I would even want to go back to what amounts to empty, unfulfilling nothingness. The phrase "only what's done for Christ will last" frequently rings in my ears. I just keep wanting to add an addendum -- oh, nothing risky or dangerous; nothing illegal; nothing that would harm anyone else.

Because of multiple sclerosis, there are some things I will never get back. Some days I'm okay with that. Some days I'm not. I have a new set of limitations now and not by choice. The decision is out of my hands. I chafe against the boundaries this disease has inflicted on me. Yes, I said inflicted. But that's when I'm talking about the disease. Sadly, though, I've discovered we can sometimes look at our relationship with Jesus much like I do this disease.

When I'm talking about Jesus and my walk with Him, I know there are some things I will never get back. There are things I should never want to have back. Yet I find myself struggling with the boundaries He has laid out for me. There are things that He wants out of my life and yet He never inflicts His will on me. He always gives me the option to choose.

I can have the "old things" back anytime I want but it will cost me something in my relationship with Jesus. He always loves me, is always there for me, always forgives me. No, He never changes. But I do. While I occasionally look at the things left behind, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing back there is worth what it will cost me in my relationship with Jesus. If I look too closely or a little too fondly, it's my heart that grows cold. If I gaze longingly over my shoulder, regretful that I have had to leave something I used to hold precious laying by the side of the road, like Lot's wife, I lose sight of what is really important.

No matter what lays behind or what lies ahead, the most important thing in my life is holding tightly to my Savior's hand, letting Him lead, following joyfully and trusting Him with EVERYTHING. Will I ever get it, whatever IT is, back? Oh, sweet Jesus, I hope and pray that I never WANT it back!

I Can Do It Myself!

It was two weeks before the start of our Women's Bible Study. The new outline was ready and my brain was already racing ahead to the things we would cover in the coming sessions. The first week would be about Jesus' passion for us, how much He loved us and what it cost Him.

I had been working part-time but had gone to full-time several weeks before. I believed it was the right thing to do. I didn't bother to check with God since He had to be behind me getting the job in the first place, right? The extra money was going to come in handy and give me pocket money for my hobbies. As I sat at the computer typing, my vision blurred. The episode lasting only a few minutes and went away. I ignored it. When it happened again the next day with more frequency, my concern grew. Within 24 hours, my vision was constantly doubled. I was unsteady on my feet and nauseous from the double vision. When it didn't go away, I feared I might be having a stroke. So did the doctors. Having no health insurance, I was not happy when they admitted me to the hospital for tests. And I was definitely not happy when the tests revealed a diagnosis I never in my wildest dreams would have anticipated – multiple sclerosis.

When the doctor came in to break the news, I was alone. My husband was already at church, getting ready for the Wednesday night service. Less than five minutes before service started, I called him with the news. Very matter-of-factly, he told me we would deal with it and asked if further tests, which would cost more money, really be necessary? I assured him I would not agree to any frivolous testing. He prayed for me and hung up. After all, church was about to start.

Tears filled my eyes and spilled down my cheeks as I lay there alone. Doesn't he care? Can't he tell, after all these years, how scared I am? He's just worried about the bills! I didn't know until later that when he prayed for me during service, his voice cracked and his composure crumbled. We were heading into a crisis. Later on, he told me his response was one of trying to keep me calm, to be strong for me. Completely ignorant of this, I spent the evening afraid, angry and anxious.

Getting over the initial irrational thought that my husband couldn't care less, I turned to God. After all, isn't that what we're supposed to do as Christians? Why, God, are You letting this happen? Haven't I been through enough already? I can't work like this. Isn't it enough that my son can't walk and we have to take care of nearly all of his needs? Isn't it enough that I have aging parents to look after? Isn't it enough that I came to the desert to do Your work? Isn't it enough already??? From where I'm laying, I'm not sure You're being very fair about this. You could take it away. You could change the diagnosis. You could fix it!

Not long after my son's accident, I quoted to my mother the verse that God never gives us more than we can handle. She replied, “Well, maybe you should stop being so good at handling all this stuff and then it wouldn't happen!”

I thought about that as the nurse came into draw more blood. I'm not handling this at all and, God, You promised me … I let my thoughts trail off. I wish I could tell you I went immediately to prayer, seeking His face, turning to Him like I knew I should. But I didn't. I puddled up. Emotional exhaustion filled every bit of my heart. The only thought that made any sense was to simply do what I was supposed to.

I think this is the part that makes me the most sad. The answer to doing what I was supposed to do was to get the Bible study ready or postpone it if I couldn't do that and show up at church Sunday morning so the congregation could see my faith was still as strong as ever, that I would face this crisis just as I had all the ones that had gone before. I would do the things that were needed. I just ignored doing the one thing that was needful.

Another New Chapter in Our Lives

I woke up this morning coughing. It's been around for a few days but I really haven't been paying much attention to it. I have too many other things on my mind and in my life to concentrate on a little tickle in the back of my throat. Then it struck me. That cough, that nagging little bit of hacking going on, has been just like a Crisis of Faith (herein known as the COF). It was something I didn't notice when it first started. I simply swallowed a bit of COF syrup and threw myself into the activities of being a pastor's wife. The syrup placated the tickle and I was able to continue functioning at the same level I had been at before. But something was different. Without realizing it, I put a bandage over the symptoms and went my merry way, not giving the COF a second thought. As long as I could function, why should I bother about occasional evidence that something might be wrong? I was still going to church – well, most of the time. I was still doing Bible study – okay, sometimes the day before I was supposed to teach. I was still living a morally upright lifestyle – after all, I am the pastor's wife.

On the morning this COF outline was born, I was preparing to teach, yet again, through 1 and 2 Peter. It was all laid out. With several chapters already done, broken down from the Greek and put into context, I was reluctant to change anything at such a late date. But the niggling in my gut would not go away. Within 20 minutes, I had a new outline.

But it isn't verse by verse through a book in the Bible! What about my co-teacher who has already put in a lot of effort in Peter? What about the flyers I have arranged in my head and was getting ready to print? Yes, I argued with God. I pulled out every excuse in my arsenal not to go ahead with a different study. But He wouldn't leave me alone.

I didn't even realize it then that God was personalizing the new outline just for me. I initially assumed it was going to be about passion – our passion for Him and His for us. I was wrong. It is an outline on something I never considered I would have – a Crisis of Faith.

I grew up in church. I have been a Christian for over 20 years. I have been a pastor's wife for 10. We have had many crises in our lives, from marital to financial to health-related. If a crisis were going to occur in my faith, it would have been three years ago when our then 22-year-old son was in a car accident that left him brain-injured and paralyzed from the rib cage down; it would have happened when not just one but two of my grandchildren wound up in the Neonatal Intensive Care unit after birth; it would have happened when we were broke and didn't know how we would pay the bills; it would have happened when I wondered if my marriage would survive; it would have happened … There were so many times it could have happened at a tremendous crossroad in our lives but it didn't.

The point is, it happened. It didn't come into my life like a hurricane but rather as a small, soft zephyr. It didn't come into my life as a major trauma but rather as a gentle tickle in the back of my throat, something easily ignored or covered up with service and doing my duty. Though I didn't realize it then, it was something that, left untreated, could damage me beyond repair and maybe even cause me to willingly walk away from the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Jesus.